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Just answer the next few questions score your answers at the
end and reveal the truth about yourself
1. In
a built-up 30mph zone you ride round the outside of
a
GSX-R750 on a roundabout. Do you:
A) Feel like you've
burnt him off good and proper
B) Tell everyone how,
"he didn't 't
like that, oh no."
C)
Accept that because it's a 30mph zone he probably wasn't trying
D) Get your knee down
just in front of him because you can
2.
You're the undisputed king of
your local Breakfast Club team.
Then one day
a new member joins and -horror!
- he's faster than you. Do you
A) Spray WD40 on his
discs and then challenge him to a race
B) Take
it on the chin. He's better, but so what?
C)
Get yourself on some track days and learn to go faster
D)
Buy a
Kawasaki ZZR1400 and wait for the straight bits
3. Accelerating down a
country lane
you
hit a crest and your
front wheel
pops into the air for a
second. Do you
A) Shit yourself and
shut the throttle
B) Open the throttle even more to try and
sustain
C) Worry about your
fork seals
D) Get homo and bray of
your "enormous wheelie" for a week
4.
You're out cruising on your
brand new
superbike. You're cool -you check
yourself
in a shop window -then you see a
schoolgirl loitering at the bus stop. Do you
A) Stop, pull over and
ask her if her parents are out tonight
B) Clutch it up
into a perfect second gear wheelie
C) Pop up a spazzy
little wheelie,
then roar off and pretend you
never
meant to
D) Check her out so intently that you don't
notice a car stopping in front of you
5. You read all the road tests about
his year's hottest new bike and
borrow the
money to be the first person in
your area to buy one.
But it turns out it's
dead slow and handles like crap. Do you
A)
Lie like buggery and tell everyone
what a great decision you've made
B) Come clean and slag all the
bike magazines
C) Discreetly
start scouring the small ads for "Good clean low mileage bikes wanted,"
D)
Have the bleeder stolen
6. You smash
yourself up in a big accident and promise your mum,
dad, wife or bird that you'll never ride a
motorcycle ever again. Not ever. Then
summer arrives, hospital discharges you,
the insurance money comes through, etc.
Do you
A) Ask your loved
ones what they think of your new bike
B) Buy the bike, hide it, and engage in
a double life any CIA operative
would be proud of
C) Give up and buy
a really fast car
D) Leave the wife, move to Amsterdam
and blow the insurance money on sex, drugs, and hangovers.
7. You're licking along the M6 when you
see a GPZ550 rider
pulled up
on the hard shoulder. Do you:
A)
Keep going - you're a crap mechanic
B) Stop and ask if
he needs help
C)
Look the other way and pretend not to see
D) Get as near to the GPz as you can
and howl past at 140mph
8. You've got ten points on
your license. You're flat-out on a burn with your
mates, when a
radar-toting copper jumps into the middle
of the road and commands you
to stop. Do you:
A)
Stop and offer to turn Queen's Evidence on others
B)
Stop, take your lid off and try and reason with him
C)
Turn your head, pretend you haven't seen him and keep going
D)
Chaarge! And hope he doesn't get you reg
9. Your bike
shows all the signs of imminent
self-destruction in several
major
ways Do you:
A) Sell it to one of your
soon-to-be-ex-mates who's "always wanted one just like it"
B) Put it in the
paper with an optimistic price tag and 'sold as seen - needs work' [
C) Immediately
upgrade your insurance cover to fully comp
and ride like a wanker
D) Hang about the Part II Test
Centre looking for potential victims
10. You return to your bike in the car
park and find a group of people
checking it out. Do you:
A)
Wait 'til they all go away because
you're shy, then inspect for signs
of urination
B) Stand as close as possible and
listen to what they're saying about it
C)
Run over and proudly invite questions
D)
Run over shrieking at them to get their
bloody mitts off, then do an enormous
burnout and ride off
11. It's a track day at
Doninglon Park. You're led out by ail instructor
for your first few laps with
1(1 other riders. Do you:
A) Move to the front of
the queue so you can
observe the
instructors lines the best _]
B)
Follow the chap
in front of you in
the middle of the group
C)
Think that the instructor's going way too slow, overtake him and roar
uncertainly off
D) On coming back in,
ask the instructor
how to rear-wheel
steer
12. you need a new engine For
your CBR. Your local breaker offers you a
suspiciously pristine example
for a decent price - with
no numbers on the cases. It's
been nicked. Do you:
a)
Tell him he's a thieving gypsy bastard and you're going to call the police
B)
Tell him no thanks, leave the shop
and tell all
your mates to avoid It
C) Realize you're in the wrong business, buy some bolt croppers and open up a
breakers
D) Buy it cheap and say
no more
13. You go to Box Mill/Mat I.
mi, Bath and park next to some guy
with exactly
the same bike, helmet and
leathers as you. Do you:
A)
Laugh at the inherent comedic irony of the situation
B) Do a Begbie and glass
the bastard
C)
Wait till he walks away and steal his fairing to replace your damaged one
D) Go home and die of
shame
14. Your friend has just
ridden home on his new Suzuki GSX-R600 and invites
you round to look at it. Do
you:
A) Call him a "lucky bastard!" and ogle his new megabike
B) Say that you think it looks horrible and slow
C) Tell him he'll never be able to do it justice
D) Go out and buy one yourself to keep up with the Joneses
15. Your girlfriend announces
that she's sick of being an occasional
pillion and applies for her
CBR. Do you
A)
Encourage her, she is her own
person after all
B)
Tell her to shut up and to remember her place!
C)
Get paranoid that she'll be faster than
you
and try and talk her out of it
D) Buy a bike with a
decent grab rail in case
you ever have
to sit behind her
16. You're on your way to a Superbike race, and there's loads of other bikes on
the road. Everyone's headed the same way. Do you:
A)
Enjoy the company of other bikers as you cruise down the motorway
B)
Race to the front because you're the fastest and noisiest
C)
Worry about the cops and let the
others get
on with it
D)
Take an alternate route because all
those
bikes tall-gating really bugs you
17. You're up in front of the beak in
your best shiny suit for
doing 134 mph
down
the M40. They give
You a
one year-ban and £500 fine. Do you:
A) Accept you punishment with a nod and shuffle
out
B) Give the judge a ten
minute speech on the
iniquity of the
British justice system
C) Tell them that you've been framed
and you were in
France at the time
D) Scream at the judge
that you know where he lives and how
nice his daughter looked the other day
18. You've just been shopping
in the 'high Street and pull away. Disaster! You forgot about your disc lock and
tumble to the ground in front of a crowd of shoppers. Do you:
A) Laugh hysterically and give a bow to your
startled audience
B) Pick your bike up, quietly remove the lock
and ride off
C) Swear and scream about the "buggered
steering" and howl off at top rpm
D) Blame the nearest
shopper and punch 'him in the gob
19.
You're riding in town in
the wet when you go over a pedestrian
crossing.
Your front
tyre steps out two
inches. Do you:
A) Carry on as though
nothing happened
Your front
tyre steps out two
inches. Do you:
A) Carry on as though
nothing happened
B) Tell everyone
at work "I nearly lost it
BIG TIME
today!"
C) Stop immediately and
have a fag to calm yourself
D) Remember to watch it in future
20.And finally, it's
the NEC Show.
You're looking for a new helmet
at a
stand but can't decide.
Do you:
A) Try on every one,
but fail to make up your mind
B) Buy the latest RX-9XXZZ for $3000.
C) Buy the first one
the assistant says
you should buy
D)
Find the best fitting helmet, then go and buy it S50 cheaper
round the corner
SO HOW DID YOU RATE?
1) A-3 B-5 C-9
D-7
2) A-3 B-9 C-7
D-5
3) A-7 B-9 C-5
D-3
4) A-9 B-3 C-5
D-7
5) A-3 B-9 C-5
D-7
6) A-9 B-5 C-3
D-7
7) A-7 B-9 C-5
D-3
8) A-3 B-5 C-7
D-9
9) A-3 B-9 C-7
D-5
10) A-5 B-7 C-9 D-3
11) A-9 B-5 C-3 D-7
12) A-9 B-7 C-3 D-5
13) A-7 B-3 C-5 D-9
14) A-9 B-3 C-5 D-7
15) A-9 B-3 C-5 D-7
16) A-9 B-3 C-5 D-7
17) A-9 B-7 C-5 D-3
18) A-7 B-9 C-5 D-3
19) A-9 B-3 C-5 D-7
20) A-7 B-5 C-3 D-9
60 -100 Points
Biker Berk
"Wake
up and smell the coffee - loser! You're a tosser and everybody knows it except
you. Just because you've got a CBR600
with a Repsol paintjob and loud paddock jacket doesn't make you
Nicky Hayden,
although you honestly think it does. In the pub, you're louder than a full
race Micron flat-out in top. Despite the constant bragging, the only rear
wheel steering you've ever done is paddling your bike backwards in the middle
of the road 'cos you can't do a U-turn without putting your feet down.
Everybody lets you lead the group, not because you're faster, but because it's
easier to lose you that way. And there's less chance of you tail-ending
someone (you ride like a nob, of course). But you'll be in hospital soon and
we can all forget about you. Everyone hates you, by the way..."
100 - 130 Points
Mondeo Man
Six
months on an
RD250 in 1979
hardly
qualifies you
for superbike ownership.
You're
a bit out
of your depth,
but
picking it up
OK. You'll be
riding fast
soon,
but it might
be in the
back of the
ambulance. You're
the archetypal
timewaster -
six visits to
the shop just
to
buy a carbon
hugger, then
six more
visits
asking how to
fit it. And
it still
rubs
on the tyre.
But at least
that's
sorted out the
two inches of
shiny
rubber you've
failed to scrub
off the
sides.
When you leave
the pub, you
always
hang on to
the rev limiter
in first,
then
short-shift into
top when you're
out
of earshot. A
novices track day
might
just change
your life for
the better,
when
you find out
what it's really
all
about. Otherwise,
just get back
in the
Mondeo, man."
130 - 160 Points
Real World Rider
You've
got some good
experience under your
belt and feel
happiest on your
bike.
You can
ride well and
what's more you're
always eager to
try harder,
ride
faster. You read
MCN every week
but don't
believe a word
of it. You're
a bit too
into
the scene all
for your own
good - bit of
a bike-bore to
your non-biker
mates. Carl
Fogarty's your all-time
hero. You got
your knee down
once, just to
prove you could.
Wheelies you
prefer to leave
to the stuntmen
and you wouldn't
dream of doing
a bum-out -clutches
and tyres are
way too
precious and besides,
it's embarrassing.
You've worn the
same biker
jacket every day
for the past
three years -
it's part of
you and you
like that. For
you, missing
the
Bol would
be like missing
Christmas."
160 -180 Points
Rossi Cousin
Congratulations, dude. You're as fast and wicked on a motorbike as it's
possible to get. If Whitham f
ollowed you
on the road, he'd say, "Respect!"
You've been riding since your sixteenth birthday,
had your fair share of
crashes, had all those brushes with the law and pleaded
'Guilty' by post more
times than you can remember. All your mates
are bikers, all with tricked-up bikes. And you lead the pack, because
no-one can get past.
Those knee-sliders are scuffed for a reason. You never
bullshit - you don't need to!
Your bike has none of those silly little bits of
carbon fibre and titanium fasteners - just stage
1 tune, sticky tyres and a
steering damper. Next step for you: take up racing and prepare
for an umbrella-girl
shagathon!"
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